Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
