If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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