the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
