final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
