You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
