my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
