I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
