girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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