they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
