i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
