So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
