She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
