Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
