$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize