Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
