you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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