Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
