Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
