Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
