College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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