i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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