i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
