I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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