We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
