I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
