Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
