So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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