I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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