Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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