I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My ass is underappreciated
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
