Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
