pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
