STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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