apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
