You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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