remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
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