I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
