omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Found the puke drawer
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
