i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
