Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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