M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
