So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My vagina is officially offended.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
