Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
