Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
