3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
