hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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