I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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