I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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