Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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