Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
