You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
