apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
