Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
