Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
