I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
