If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As shirtless as possible
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize