There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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